Wounds are interesting. Forgiveness is interesting. Why is it that in my head those two things are tied to an action that happens and then is done with? Like eating a sand which. Or buying your kid that toy at the store. But real wounds are messy. Real forgiveness is messy. Wounds are more than just the moment when you get hurt. It's the days, weeks, years of healing. Why is it that I think that forgiveness shouldn't be repetitive? That there's something wrong with giving it back to God again and again? If life is a journey, then why not forgiveness?
Earlier this year I felt hurt by the actions of a coworker. I talked to her, told her how I felt, and we agreed to move on. I didn't have to agree with her choice in order to forgive her in my heart. After the talk I felt complete peace about the situation...for about a week. Until there was a new reason to remember an old hurt. God, with the ultimate sense of humor, kept putting her in my path. And so back I went towards forgiveness which I thought was quite the done deal by now. And back. And back. At every reminder of the original hurt.
Just the other day I sighed a happy sigh because although our relationship is very different than years previous (and I have no inclination to change that), I had finally gotten to a place where my head and and my heart could finally agree to move on.
And then something happened this morning to rip that scab right off. It makes me sad that this will yet change our relationship even more. There is a time and a place for everything and our friendship will move towards simply a professional one. But I will release the hurt once again. I will release her once again. I will know that I am loved by a big and incredible God and that nothing can change that. God loves me like crazy and that is why I can be okay with knowing that God loves her just as deeply. Feelings are meant to be acknowledged, just not bowed to. God knows that it hurts me to forgive and I know that it's the only way to move forward, even if my 'forward' comes with a few steps backwards mixed in.
3 comments:
Quite philosophical...a good way to see it and a very religious way of describing your solution. Friends come and go...people come and go in our lives. Like me :-) Once played rugby together but it is a live time ago. Geographical distance makes also friendships shift into acquaintances. Sometimes hurt feelings do the same, right?! And then you meet always twice in live ;-). Take care and I do hope you still like working where you do.
I've come to see hurt as sadness just as you're separated from something special to you, perhaps a dream or hope for the future.
In 1969 Elisabeth Kübler-Ross postulated that there were five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. But these days counselors are more comfortable discussing five "villages." Time has told that they are not a linear process. You may live in one village for an hour, a week, or a year before moving on to another in any order. The goal is to learn healthier ways of reacting to each village and the only way to do that is to be intentionally seeking out the wisdom of those who have gone before. ;)
This spring I had a challenging day of high emotions and a true friend spoke to me. "Nichole," she said, "I know that you are very intentional about your choices and can defend them with honor. You know that not everyone has the same perspective. And in another situation you would be able to shake it off and strengthen your resolve. So, why is this different? Why are you emotional about this person's opinion?" Those thought provoking words sent me to dive deep and discover that I was sad and mad because there were no options for my situation. I felt stuck. And right there she opened the can of worms and said, "Of course you have options. You could meet with the person again to straighten things out, but this person is never going to agree with you and that is okay. You could agree to disagree. Or you could find people to work with who do understand or at least don't judge. There are other people in the school to partner with. There are other schools down the street, there are other options. You could quit. You could homeschool. See, there are plenty of options." Just because they can't see it or even if you can't see it. Doesn't mean they're not there.
I'll keep my eyes peeled on Facebook and Skype. Just click video call as soon as you see Rob or I on. We all need truth tellers in our lives, we need each other. <3
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